I used to be weak in asserting my position. When I heard a new logical argument, I assumed it must be right and put the other person’s explanation ahead of my own intuition. I ended up living in directions suggested by other people without feeling that I was going where I wanted to go. I believed that a more logical argument automatically meant a better choice.
A book changed that view. Following my own feelings can also be a good judgment, and I have the right to say no. Refusing something does not necessarily create a problem. Even when my way of solving a problem does not look logical to others, I am allowed to choose how I respond.
Thinking only in logical terms can also mean drawing a boundary in advance: I will do only what I can fully understand. But solutions sometimes appear by chance in the parts I do not understand. I can widen what I am capable of by trying with an imperfect guess, learning from the process, and applying that learning to the next action.
Social and Organizational Frames
I had been considering organizational rules and morality more than I realized. At the same time, I wanted to break out of those frames and live freely. The book helped me see that many standards I accepted as obvious may simply be frames created by society and organizations.
It also helped me understand what gaslighting actually is. I am responsible for my feelings, but I have the right to feel upset. I need to distinguish questions and words designed to steer my emotions. The best way to do that is to look at myself with some distance and act according to what I actually feel.
This was happening more often than I thought in my close relationships. Attempts to make someone feel sorry or guilty appear in negotiations and persuasion too. To avoid being pulled in, I can explain what happened first and say what I will do differently in the future if there is a problem. It is enough to fulfill the part that is actually my responsibility. I can keep moving and improve through my mistakes.
The Freedom Zorba Showed
I recently read Zorba the Greek in a Bizcafe reading group. Zorba lives as he wants, says what he wants to say, and barely worries about other people’s opinions.
What impressed me most was that even in an employer–employee relationship, he was not completely trapped by the social frame. Usually the employer has the upper hand, and the more financially constrained an employee is, the harder it is to escape that frame. Zorba still tried to fulfill his responsibilities, but when the work went wrong, he spoke about it openly and moved on to finding a solution.
We call that living freely. Freedom is not avoiding responsibility. It is carrying what belongs to me while refusing to let a frame set by someone else replace my judgment.
Do Not Outsource Your Judgment to AI
AI can create a similar frame. It combines long answers and impressive-sounding words into conclusions that appear logical. If I become absorbed in the idea that AI is smarter and more intelligent than I am, I may hand over my responsibility and judgment instead of thinking and deciding by my own standards.
A social pattern in which people explain a post or decision by saying “AI told me to” is one example. It can be understood as outsourcing emotion and judgment. An AI answer can also become a frame that moves me.
I can use AI’s suggestions as input, but I must make the decision. I need to check what I feel and what I am willing to take responsibility for. I can choose and take responsibility even when I do not have a perfectly logical explanation.
Rights I Am Allowed to Have
Courtesy, rules, and morality are standards society creates so people can live together. They cannot replace all of my judgment. I have the right to:
- make my own decisions and take responsibility for the results
- refuse to listen to someone else and remain silent
- say no and change my mind
- avoid completely understanding another person
- be imperfect and make mistakes
- make requests and negotiate toward a better direction
- keep asserting my position and, sometimes, be stubborn
When something feels wrong, I do not want to express it passively and indirectly. I want to recognize what I feel and speak and act accordingly. I can trust myself. I will be responsible for the result.
The Courage to Say No Without Guilt did more than teach me how to refuse. It showed me a way to live freely and make decisions as the subject of my own life. It helped me a lot.